Horoscopes for the week of Monday, March 11
Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 19)- When you go on that date next week, don’t try the calimari. Trust me
Taurus (Apr 20 - May 20) - Your hot TA is a Capricorn, and you’re totally compatible! Go for it, don’t get caught, and stop worrying about your grade in that class.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21) - Feeling the need for a change? Dying to escape the rut you’re in? Shave your head!
Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Your karmic energy is flowing, but the cash is not. It might be time to reconsider your snobbery and say hello to the world of Western Family brand
Leo (July 23 - Aug 22) - Good news! A passing asteroid will block your karmic space-energy flow, and you will hit rock bottom on Wednesday, things can only get better!
Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22) - The blonde is not working for you, dye it back.
Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 23)- Time to quit the whole “I’m a starving student, woe is me!” routine, your roommates all know you can afford more than ramen, you’re just lazy as fuck.
Scorpio (Oct 24 - Nov 21) - You will get an unexpected compliment from a mysterious stranger today, you won’t know whether to be pleased or creeped out.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21) - Life will be dull until you find a stash of bacon that you forgot in the back of the freezer.
Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19) - Your roommates will hold a ‘roommate meeting’ this week, don’t go; they’ve organized an intervention because they found out you’ve been spitting in the ice trays.
Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18) - The weather’s warming up! You’re thinking about whipping out the tank tops aren’t you...don’t. Even when you do lose the weight, they’ll still look stupid.
Pisces (Feb 19 - Mar 20) - Single life getting you down? yep, join the club.