OREM- Last night during post-Superbowl celebrations, police dealt with a record number of speeding vehicles and parking lot brawls due to rampant “Dew-runkenness” of students in the area.
“I pulled over a speeding car on the highway because a young man had stuck his torso out of the sunroof and was screaming ‘NEVERMORE’. Once calmed down, he explained that he was the raven spirit of Ray Lewis.” reported Officer Landers of the Orem Police Department, “He then apologized for the inconvenience and handed me a pass-along card.”
|Popular Mountain Dew drinking games include 'Dew Pong' and 'To Mordor'|
Landers and his partner alone confiscated over fifty cans of Mountain Dew last night after finding that drinkers were not handling the moderately caffeinated beverage responsibly. Local authorities have reported that this is a recurring problem in the area, and expressed worry over what damage the excess energy could be doing to the delicate minds of local youth.
“I don’t even remember last night, man,” said BYU student Ken Grant, “we bought a twenty-four pack, played some ‘Dew pong’, next thing I know we’re all snorting pixie sticks and giving each other magic marker tattoos.”
Local police Chief even expressed a wish that the Mountain Dew drinkers could be more like the alcohol consumers in the area. “They don’t bother anyone, they stay in, get drunk, and mind their own business. I’d say the ratio of drunk drivers to Dew-ed drivers is about one to three.”
Unfortunately, seeing as there is nothing remotely illegal about Mountain Dew, the police force’s only option is to continue to monitor behavior, and to educate youth about the terrifying effects of Mountain Dew.