Monday, 18 February 2013

Celebrate Valentine's Day In The Style Of Various Well-Known Couples

Let's get it onnnnn.

Yes, this is several days late, sue me. No one's reading anyway.

Are you and your girlfriend/boyfriend/hand struggling to spice up the romantic experience? Why not get some inspiration from famous couples present and past ? 

Bonnie and Clyde: Get each other some vintage guns and go rob the local Chevron. When you are arrested and placed in jail, break out together and enjoy a romantic life as outlaws. 
If your love for each other has not yet advanced this far, try getting some Nerf guns and shooting at each other, or at random passersby, until you get tired or removed from the premises. Then drive around aimlessly for a while avoiding police cars.

John and Yoko: Let your girlfriend come with you to poker night with the guys, convince her that your bros would just love to receive advice from her on their gameplay. Once your friends all get sick of her and leave, play poker alone together, naked.

Pierre and Marie Curie: Buy each other some shiny new Geiger counters and go to town with them. Whoever can create/discover the most radioactive material gets to choose where you go to dinner, and whoever doesn't get cancer wins.

...OR the Ronald and Nancy approach.
He gets stuck working while she remodels
his house.
David and Bathsheba: Start your night out in a hot tub (preferably on a roof) to turn up the heat. Then go back to your palace for a night of steamy, sinful lovemaking. Pray that you do not conceive, and that her boyfriend in the Army never comes back to find out. 

 Heidi and Spencer Pratt: This year, give the gift of beauty with some quality plastic surgery. Go get a couple’s package from the local Hollywood surgeon, and then parade your matching facelifts in front of reporters from various tabloids of your choice. Finish the night off by arranging an expensive, romantic dinner and having a fight in front of the whole restaurant. 

Tuesday, 12 February 2013

PSA: Students Personal Information At Risk Due To Displaying it Flagrantly Before Classmates


Remember in class when you were looking through all those Facebook photos of your inebriated self, having that X-rated conversation with your lover, and googling ‘what do genital warts look like’? Little did you know, but pretty much everyone sitting behind you probably saw them.

When you get out your computer, you could possibly be airing your dirty laundry for everyone in class to see, and they are loving it. That girl to your left was probably dying to tell you to take that awful filter off of all your engagement photos, and the guy in the back corner almost pissed himself at the video of you crying while getting your ass tattooed.

When you put your internet life out there for the world to ogle, you’re essentially creating a free reality show. You think it’s just you, living your happy little internet life, offering uber-secret sexual favors to your professors and logging into your RedTube account, but everyone is watching. Many of them don’t even want to see the ‘saucy pics’ your girlfriend sent you, but hell, it’s more entertaining than a lecture.

Stahp. Don't look.
Next time you open photoshop to enhance your own breasts, have a look at the people behind you. They might look harmless and disinterested, but why take the chance? Do you really want everyone on r/gonewild to know that you’re really only an A-cup?

Upon learning this information, several students reacted with shock that other people were looking at screens that were set right in front of them.

“That is despicable,” said Chris Jensen, “when I open a screen right in front of someone’s face, they should just know not to look. It’s complete violation of privacy.”

Other students freely admitted to being creepers themselves.

“Well, duh” said student Lacey Rowan, “Why would I listen to a lecture when I could be reading some sucker’s job rejection emails? If you don’t want anyone to see the stuff you insist on displaying, just sit in the back for God’s sake. Do it right in front of my face, and it’s an invitation.”

Rowan’s argument was refuted by Jensen as a ‘blaming the victim’ situation. 

If you have been affected by this issue please contact us @the_Hivepress with your story.

Next Week's PSA: Everyone else in the restaurant heard that line you used, and they all agreed it was lame

Sunday, 10 February 2013

'Telemarketing Batman' Brings Justice to Gullible Old People


OREM-When Judy Burns, 65, answered a call from an unknown number Saturday morning, she was not expecting to receive a surprise chiding on answering the phone for telemarketing scams.

“Listen,” said the deep voice urgently, “I’m supposed to be telling you to register for a seminar on real estate investments for a company that does not exist. But don’t do it,” Burns recounted.

The voice then proceeded to instruct the elderly woman on keeping her personal information private and how to get onto the National Do Not Call Registry.

“I thought the seminar sounded really nice, I asked the fellow where I should send the check, but he told me I was missing the point,” said Burns.
 
This is the third time such an event has been reported. Several elderly men and women in the area have received calls from telemarketers imploring them not to buy their products. It is believed that a telemarketer has turned away from the dark side, and is using their job to warn others against telemarketer schemes. It is possible that one or several individuals are spread out, working from various companies in the area.

The public has dubbed these telemarketing vigilantes ‘the Batman of telemarketing,’ a controversial moniker for sure. Owners of telemarketing companies all over Utah Valley are watching their phone call-making minions closely in order to find the traitor in their midst, while the general public continues to debate the ethics of screwing over telemarketers. 

Public Reacts to Strict Grammy Dress Code by Getting Naked


“Check out my bare sides and ‘puffy skin’ showing,” said Ellen Foerster, sprawled nude  on her couch with a bowl of popcorn. “Maybe I’ll even go wild and paint ‘Susan G. Komen’ on myself.”

DO NOT LOOK AT THE SIDEBOOB
(source)
Grammy viewers everywhere joined the “Re-Sexify the Grammys” movement after an email sent out by CBS executives on Tuesday requesting that humanity be denied the gift of tits’n’ass during tonight’s Grammy performances.

“Who do they think they are? Trying to be so uppity all of a sudden,” said naked Grammy viewer Nina Clark, “Don’t think we haven’t forgotten J-Lo’s wild little Versace number. How are we supposed to enjoy the show without judging slutty outfits and anticipating nipple slips?”

In fact, the Grammys’ male viewership dropped dramatically when it was discovered that there was little to no chance of a repeat of Rihanna wrapped in a tinsel garland. Sting reportedly tried to throw the public a bone by revealing his own nipples (male nipples being a loophole in the email), but it was reported that no one in the public received said bone, and that, if anything, he made it worse.  

Friday, 8 February 2013

Zynga Grows Increasingly Bitter in Response to Fickleness of the Public


Zynga, the social gaming company, has grown increasingly desperate to win back fans after suffering a $18 billion loss in value over the past 2 years.

Zynga executives don’t seem to understand the way public trends work, and expressed what seemed to be genuine shock when people didn’t want to grow virtual crops for the rest of their lives.

Zynga’s vision was one from a simpler time.
  “We saw people bequeathing FarmVille lands to their children when they died, and playing Words with Friends to stave off Alzheimers” they said regrettably in a press release stained with tears and Ben & Jerry’s ice cream.

OMG plowing my fields LOL, so much fun!
“Draw Something? We really thought that one was for life, it hurt when the public lost interest, who does that? They toyed with our emotions and it just wasn’t fair.”

When asked about their ever-dwindling number of users, PR reps said “Oh, yeah, we have tons of new users, and they love us and they actually know how to commit. One day you’ll be sorry you let all your crops die, we’ll show you!”

Monday, 4 February 2013

Post-Superbowl Antics Open Police Force's Eyes to Mountain Dew Overconsumption Issue





OREM- Last night during post-Superbowl celebrations, police dealt with a record number of speeding vehicles and parking lot brawls due to rampant “Dew-runkenness” of students in the area.

“I pulled over a speeding car on the highway because a young man had stuck his torso out of the sunroof and was screaming ‘NEVERMORE’. Once calmed down, he explained that he was the raven spirit of Ray Lewis.” reported Officer Landers of the Orem Police Department, “He then apologized for the inconvenience and handed me a pass-along card.”

Popular Mountain Dew drinking games include 'Dew Pong' and 'To Mordor' 
Landers and his partner alone confiscated over fifty cans of Mountain Dew last night after finding that drinkers were not handling the moderately caffeinated beverage responsibly. Local authorities have reported that this is a recurring problem in the area, and expressed worry over what damage the excess energy could be doing to the delicate minds of local youth.

“I don’t even remember last night, man,” said BYU student Ken Grant, “we bought a twenty-four pack, played some ‘Dew pong’, next thing I know we’re all snorting pixie sticks and  giving each other magic marker tattoos.”

Local police Chief even expressed a wish that the Mountain Dew drinkers could be more like the alcohol consumers in the area. “They don’t bother anyone, they stay in, get drunk, and mind their own business. I’d say the ratio of drunk drivers to Dew-ed drivers is about one to three.”

Unfortunately, seeing as there is nothing remotely illegal about Mountain Dew, the police force’s only option is to continue to monitor behavior, and to educate youth about the terrifying effects of Mountain Dew.