Thursday, 31 January 2013

Young Man Called to Provo Mission Wonders What He Did Wrong

OREM - "I'm just doing a lot of soul-searching right now" said David Kemper, 19, Orem after being called to serve in the Utah- Provo mission for the LDS church.

As is common knowledge throughout Mormonism, a mission call to anywhere boring is indicative of grave sins and various personal failings. This theory states that the closer you are to Provo (the epicenter of crappy missions), the lower God's esteem for you.

"Only the truly good get the privilege of converting foreigners, if you know someone who was called to, say, Idaho... let's just say I wouldn't want my daughters hanging around them." stated local bishop Paul Luther.

Kemper, however, has expressed confusion at this call, "I just don't know what I did. I mean, my brother has a tattoo, and he got to go to Russia."

Missionaries unholy enough to be called to the Provo mission have been shown to experience high levels of conditions like 'Mormon guilt', and boredom during the mission.

"We just hang out, wander around BYU campus, talk to students and stuff." said Jenn Anders, missionary currently serving in Provo.
To which her companion, Tammie Sorensen, added, "Basically the same thing we did before the mission".

Friday, 25 January 2013

Obama Says Not to Worry, He's Only Taking Your Guns for the Government Death Star Project

WASHINGTON, D.C.- At his inauguration on Monday, President Obama finally disclosed the reasoning behind his plan to confiscate and stockpile the nation’s guns.

Although the White House officially rejected a recent petition to build a Death Star, the President announced that the Government has in fact been drawing up Death Star plans for the past four years. They are now ready to begin building.

The President proceeded to list the many benefits of building a Death Star, including job creation, something for NASA to do, and the possibility of a high security space prison.

“Of course, we will regrettably be forbidden from naming this project ‘the Death Star’ due to copyright issues. We are currently still accepting suggestions for a new name.” Obama added, acknowledging what is clearly the only kink in his plan.

“We haven’t quite worked out the physics of using Earth-made guns in space” admitted the President, “but it’s no secret that we as a government probably can’t afford to engineer laser blasters at this time.”