Monday, 15 April 2013

Kim Jong Un Takes Responsibility for Boston Marathon Bombing

(source)

After the alarm and confusion caused by the explosions at the Boston, everything became clear when Kim Jong Un, Supreme Leader of North Korea, sent a press release claiming that this was 'only the beginning' of the 'sacred war of justice.'

"You see," the release read, "All the able bodied of America will soon be destroyed, and no one will be left to fight us but your lazy, sluggish obese."

After googling 'american army,' Kim Jong Un was impressed by the muscular, macho men portrayed in the first search result, the video game, "America's Army." He now plans to attack gyms, sporting events, and all restaurants that are not McDonalds.

The US government is currently in the awkward process of discouraging people from entering gyms and exercising in public.

Monday, 11 March 2013

Turns out European Cows Went Extinct Some Time Ago, Everything is Horse Now

Mmmmm... ponies

Investigations into Europe's recent horse meat scandal has revealed that the majority of meat on the market is pretty much 100% horse since the total extinction of cows last year.

Farmers allegedly just started 'slipping it in' to their shipments to make up for the dead and dying cows that couldn't be eaten. When the cows had all died out and people still hadn't noticed a difference in their beef, they decided to keep on with it.

"Who knew people would be so picky about which dead animal they're eating," groaned Tesco farmer Ronan MacCauley, "Oh well."
Several farmers also admitted to feeding their horses leftover growth hormones from the cows, which 'beefs up' the horse meat, although in reality it caused several weird defects and several more morbidly obese horses.

An anonymous source implied to us that a select few farmers are keeping homeless people in their barns and 'beefing them up', just in case the horses all die too. "Everyone wins," they said, "the homeless want food, and so do the rest of us."


It was actually mass suicide

Horoscopes for the week of Monday, March 11


Horoscopes for the week of Monday, March 11

Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 19)- When you go on that date next week, don’t try the calimari. Trust me

Taurus (Apr 20 - May 20) - Your hot TA is a Capricorn, and you’re totally compatible! Go for it, don’t get caught, and stop worrying about your grade in that class. 

Gemini (May 21 - June 21) - Feeling the need for a change? Dying to escape the rut you’re in? Shave your head!

Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Your karmic energy is flowing, but the cash is not. It might be time to reconsider your snobbery and say hello to the world of Western Family brand  

Leo (July 23 - Aug 22) - Good news! A passing asteroid will block your karmic space-energy flow, and you will hit rock bottom on Wednesday, things can only get better!

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22) -  The blonde is not working for you, dye it back. 

Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 23)- Time to quit the whole “I’m a starving student, woe is me!” routine, your roommates all know you can afford more than ramen, you’re just lazy as fuck.

Scorpio (Oct 24 - Nov 21) - You will get an unexpected compliment from a mysterious stranger today, you won’t know whether to be pleased or creeped out.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21) - Life will be dull until you find a stash of bacon that you forgot in the back of the freezer.

Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19) - Your roommates will hold a ‘roommate meeting’ this week, don’t go; they’ve organized an intervention because they found out you’ve been spitting in the ice trays.

Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18) -  The weather’s warming up! You’re thinking about whipping out the tank tops aren’t you...don’t. Even when you do lose the weight, they’ll still look stupid.

Pisces (Feb 19 - Mar 20) - Single life getting you down? yep, join the club.

Wednesday, 6 March 2013

UVU Elections: What Students Are Saying

"I've definitely ruled out #avenue, because hashtags are tacky and stupid"
- Hannah A, sophomore

"Ignite's posters are really intense, which I like, and the guy in the middle looks like a young George Clooney"
- Andrea K, junior

Not really.
But good free stock photos are really hard to come by.
"Empower gave me free pizza... but Ignite gave me a Jamba Juice coupon, so I'm pretty conflicted over who to vote for right now"
- Timothy S, junior

"Yeah, I voted for Empower, I appreciate that they've been the least 'in-your-face' about campaigning"
- James E, freshman

"I've definitely decided who to vote for, but I think I need a few more people to come and tell me how to click the 'vote' button"
- Georgia P, senior 

Friday, 1 March 2013

Students Make It Through Clubs Bazaar and Housing Fair With Minimal Casualties

"Umm, what just happened?"puzzled a dazed Clarissa Ellis as she finished her walk across UVU campus. "All I did was pass through that crowd of people, now look at me." Ellis had inexplicably gained a stack of pamphlets, a hat, a t-shirt, various armbands, candy and some sponsored lip balm.

UVU club ambassadors set up camp in the Hall of Flags on Wednesday and Thursday this week to lie in wait for any student foolish enough to make eye contact with them. Students who did so would then be bombarded with flyers, coaxed with cotton candy, and enticed to "spin the wheel.. you'll win a prize, I swear, just come closer, that's it."

Further down the hall, in the PE/LA vicinity was garrisoned with off-campus housing representatives, all trying to convince you that their apartments are not shitholes. However, the lack of candy and enticing prizes to lure in gullible students led to a less successful attack for the housing fair.

Students who made it through spent the rest of the day proudly wearing their battle scars in the form of colorful UVU hats and wristbands. However, some unfortunate pushovers were forced to actually join a club as a survival measure during the assault.

Salt Lake Woman Swears She Saw That Mummy's Hand Move

SALT LAKE CITY- While visiting the "Mummies of the World" exhibit at the Leonardo in Salt Lake, Alyssa McCorbett startled the fuck out of a room full of people as she leaped, screaming into her husband's arms claiming that a mummy's hand had just 'twitched'.

"It's alive! It's alive!" she shrieked, according to husband, Jordan McCorbett. "Everyone kind of stared at us after that, so I pretended not to know her," he said.

Mrs. McCorbett was apparently too shaken up to be interviewed, but swore to us that she is not insane and has no history of hallucination or paranoia. She did, according to her husband, have a "The Walking Dead" marathon the previous day, which may have been a factor in her experience.

When asked about the frequency of similar events at the exhibit, the exhibit director said "It's actually happened more often I or anyone else expected...kind of unnerving really..."

UPDATE: A custodial worker who wishes to remain anonymous sent the following message to us via e-mail: "Yeah, I put a tiny motor under that mummy's hand and turn it on when I feel like screwing with people. LOL"

Monday, 18 February 2013

Celebrate Valentine's Day In The Style Of Various Well-Known Couples

Let's get it onnnnn.

Yes, this is several days late, sue me. No one's reading anyway.

Are you and your girlfriend/boyfriend/hand struggling to spice up the romantic experience? Why not get some inspiration from famous couples present and past ? 

Bonnie and Clyde: Get each other some vintage guns and go rob the local Chevron. When you are arrested and placed in jail, break out together and enjoy a romantic life as outlaws. 
If your love for each other has not yet advanced this far, try getting some Nerf guns and shooting at each other, or at random passersby, until you get tired or removed from the premises. Then drive around aimlessly for a while avoiding police cars.

John and Yoko: Let your girlfriend come with you to poker night with the guys, convince her that your bros would just love to receive advice from her on their gameplay. Once your friends all get sick of her and leave, play poker alone together, naked.

Pierre and Marie Curie: Buy each other some shiny new Geiger counters and go to town with them. Whoever can create/discover the most radioactive material gets to choose where you go to dinner, and whoever doesn't get cancer wins.

...OR the Ronald and Nancy approach.
He gets stuck working while she remodels
his house.
David and Bathsheba: Start your night out in a hot tub (preferably on a roof) to turn up the heat. Then go back to your palace for a night of steamy, sinful lovemaking. Pray that you do not conceive, and that her boyfriend in the Army never comes back to find out. 

 Heidi and Spencer Pratt: This year, give the gift of beauty with some quality plastic surgery. Go get a couple’s package from the local Hollywood surgeon, and then parade your matching facelifts in front of reporters from various tabloids of your choice. Finish the night off by arranging an expensive, romantic dinner and having a fight in front of the whole restaurant. 

Tuesday, 12 February 2013

PSA: Students Personal Information At Risk Due To Displaying it Flagrantly Before Classmates


Remember in class when you were looking through all those Facebook photos of your inebriated self, having that X-rated conversation with your lover, and googling ‘what do genital warts look like’? Little did you know, but pretty much everyone sitting behind you probably saw them.

When you get out your computer, you could possibly be airing your dirty laundry for everyone in class to see, and they are loving it. That girl to your left was probably dying to tell you to take that awful filter off of all your engagement photos, and the guy in the back corner almost pissed himself at the video of you crying while getting your ass tattooed.

When you put your internet life out there for the world to ogle, you’re essentially creating a free reality show. You think it’s just you, living your happy little internet life, offering uber-secret sexual favors to your professors and logging into your RedTube account, but everyone is watching. Many of them don’t even want to see the ‘saucy pics’ your girlfriend sent you, but hell, it’s more entertaining than a lecture.

Stahp. Don't look.
Next time you open photoshop to enhance your own breasts, have a look at the people behind you. They might look harmless and disinterested, but why take the chance? Do you really want everyone on r/gonewild to know that you’re really only an A-cup?

Upon learning this information, several students reacted with shock that other people were looking at screens that were set right in front of them.

“That is despicable,” said Chris Jensen, “when I open a screen right in front of someone’s face, they should just know not to look. It’s complete violation of privacy.”

Other students freely admitted to being creepers themselves.

“Well, duh” said student Lacey Rowan, “Why would I listen to a lecture when I could be reading some sucker’s job rejection emails? If you don’t want anyone to see the stuff you insist on displaying, just sit in the back for God’s sake. Do it right in front of my face, and it’s an invitation.”

Rowan’s argument was refuted by Jensen as a ‘blaming the victim’ situation. 

If you have been affected by this issue please contact us @the_Hivepress with your story.

Next Week's PSA: Everyone else in the restaurant heard that line you used, and they all agreed it was lame

Sunday, 10 February 2013

'Telemarketing Batman' Brings Justice to Gullible Old People


OREM-When Judy Burns, 65, answered a call from an unknown number Saturday morning, she was not expecting to receive a surprise chiding on answering the phone for telemarketing scams.

“Listen,” said the deep voice urgently, “I’m supposed to be telling you to register for a seminar on real estate investments for a company that does not exist. But don’t do it,” Burns recounted.

The voice then proceeded to instruct the elderly woman on keeping her personal information private and how to get onto the National Do Not Call Registry.

“I thought the seminar sounded really nice, I asked the fellow where I should send the check, but he told me I was missing the point,” said Burns.
 
This is the third time such an event has been reported. Several elderly men and women in the area have received calls from telemarketers imploring them not to buy their products. It is believed that a telemarketer has turned away from the dark side, and is using their job to warn others against telemarketer schemes. It is possible that one or several individuals are spread out, working from various companies in the area.

The public has dubbed these telemarketing vigilantes ‘the Batman of telemarketing,’ a controversial moniker for sure. Owners of telemarketing companies all over Utah Valley are watching their phone call-making minions closely in order to find the traitor in their midst, while the general public continues to debate the ethics of screwing over telemarketers. 

Public Reacts to Strict Grammy Dress Code by Getting Naked


“Check out my bare sides and ‘puffy skin’ showing,” said Ellen Foerster, sprawled nude  on her couch with a bowl of popcorn. “Maybe I’ll even go wild and paint ‘Susan G. Komen’ on myself.”

DO NOT LOOK AT THE SIDEBOOB
(source)
Grammy viewers everywhere joined the “Re-Sexify the Grammys” movement after an email sent out by CBS executives on Tuesday requesting that humanity be denied the gift of tits’n’ass during tonight’s Grammy performances.

“Who do they think they are? Trying to be so uppity all of a sudden,” said naked Grammy viewer Nina Clark, “Don’t think we haven’t forgotten J-Lo’s wild little Versace number. How are we supposed to enjoy the show without judging slutty outfits and anticipating nipple slips?”

In fact, the Grammys’ male viewership dropped dramatically when it was discovered that there was little to no chance of a repeat of Rihanna wrapped in a tinsel garland. Sting reportedly tried to throw the public a bone by revealing his own nipples (male nipples being a loophole in the email), but it was reported that no one in the public received said bone, and that, if anything, he made it worse.  

Friday, 8 February 2013

Zynga Grows Increasingly Bitter in Response to Fickleness of the Public


Zynga, the social gaming company, has grown increasingly desperate to win back fans after suffering a $18 billion loss in value over the past 2 years.

Zynga executives don’t seem to understand the way public trends work, and expressed what seemed to be genuine shock when people didn’t want to grow virtual crops for the rest of their lives.

Zynga’s vision was one from a simpler time.
  “We saw people bequeathing FarmVille lands to their children when they died, and playing Words with Friends to stave off Alzheimers” they said regrettably in a press release stained with tears and Ben & Jerry’s ice cream.

OMG plowing my fields LOL, so much fun!
“Draw Something? We really thought that one was for life, it hurt when the public lost interest, who does that? They toyed with our emotions and it just wasn’t fair.”

When asked about their ever-dwindling number of users, PR reps said “Oh, yeah, we have tons of new users, and they love us and they actually know how to commit. One day you’ll be sorry you let all your crops die, we’ll show you!”

Monday, 4 February 2013

Post-Superbowl Antics Open Police Force's Eyes to Mountain Dew Overconsumption Issue





OREM- Last night during post-Superbowl celebrations, police dealt with a record number of speeding vehicles and parking lot brawls due to rampant “Dew-runkenness” of students in the area.

“I pulled over a speeding car on the highway because a young man had stuck his torso out of the sunroof and was screaming ‘NEVERMORE’. Once calmed down, he explained that he was the raven spirit of Ray Lewis.” reported Officer Landers of the Orem Police Department, “He then apologized for the inconvenience and handed me a pass-along card.”

Popular Mountain Dew drinking games include 'Dew Pong' and 'To Mordor' 
Landers and his partner alone confiscated over fifty cans of Mountain Dew last night after finding that drinkers were not handling the moderately caffeinated beverage responsibly. Local authorities have reported that this is a recurring problem in the area, and expressed worry over what damage the excess energy could be doing to the delicate minds of local youth.

“I don’t even remember last night, man,” said BYU student Ken Grant, “we bought a twenty-four pack, played some ‘Dew pong’, next thing I know we’re all snorting pixie sticks and  giving each other magic marker tattoos.”

Local police Chief even expressed a wish that the Mountain Dew drinkers could be more like the alcohol consumers in the area. “They don’t bother anyone, they stay in, get drunk, and mind their own business. I’d say the ratio of drunk drivers to Dew-ed drivers is about one to three.”

Unfortunately, seeing as there is nothing remotely illegal about Mountain Dew, the police force’s only option is to continue to monitor behavior, and to educate youth about the terrifying effects of Mountain Dew.

Thursday, 31 January 2013

Young Man Called to Provo Mission Wonders What He Did Wrong

OREM - "I'm just doing a lot of soul-searching right now" said David Kemper, 19, Orem after being called to serve in the Utah- Provo mission for the LDS church.

As is common knowledge throughout Mormonism, a mission call to anywhere boring is indicative of grave sins and various personal failings. This theory states that the closer you are to Provo (the epicenter of crappy missions), the lower God's esteem for you.

"Only the truly good get the privilege of converting foreigners, if you know someone who was called to, say, Idaho... let's just say I wouldn't want my daughters hanging around them." stated local bishop Paul Luther.

Kemper, however, has expressed confusion at this call, "I just don't know what I did. I mean, my brother has a tattoo, and he got to go to Russia."

Missionaries unholy enough to be called to the Provo mission have been shown to experience high levels of conditions like 'Mormon guilt', and boredom during the mission.

"We just hang out, wander around BYU campus, talk to students and stuff." said Jenn Anders, missionary currently serving in Provo.
To which her companion, Tammie Sorensen, added, "Basically the same thing we did before the mission".

Friday, 25 January 2013

Obama Says Not to Worry, He's Only Taking Your Guns for the Government Death Star Project




WASHINGTON, D.C.- At his inauguration on Monday, President Obama finally disclosed the reasoning behind his plan to confiscate and stockpile the nation’s guns.

Although the White House officially rejected a recent petition to build a Death Star, the President announced that the Government has in fact been drawing up Death Star plans for the past four years. They are now ready to begin building.

The President proceeded to list the many benefits of building a Death Star, including job creation, something for NASA to do, and the possibility of a high security space prison.

“Of course, we will regrettably be forbidden from naming this project ‘the Death Star’ due to copyright issues. We are currently still accepting suggestions for a new name.” Obama added, acknowledging what is clearly the only kink in his plan.

“We haven’t quite worked out the physics of using Earth-made guns in space” admitted the President, “but it’s no secret that we as a government probably can’t afford to engineer laser blasters at this time.”