Monday, 15 April 2013

Kim Jong Un Takes Responsibility for Boston Marathon Bombing


After the alarm and confusion caused by the explosions at the Boston, everything became clear when Kim Jong Un, Supreme Leader of North Korea, sent a press release claiming that this was 'only the beginning' of the 'sacred war of justice.'

"You see," the release read, "All the able bodied of America will soon be destroyed, and no one will be left to fight us but your lazy, sluggish obese."

After googling 'american army,' Kim Jong Un was impressed by the muscular, macho men portrayed in the first search result, the video game, "America's Army." He now plans to attack gyms, sporting events, and all restaurants that are not McDonalds.

The US government is currently in the awkward process of discouraging people from entering gyms and exercising in public.

Monday, 11 March 2013

Turns out European Cows Went Extinct Some Time Ago, Everything is Horse Now

Mmmmm... ponies

Investigations into Europe's recent horse meat scandal has revealed that the majority of meat on the market is pretty much 100% horse since the total extinction of cows last year.

Farmers allegedly just started 'slipping it in' to their shipments to make up for the dead and dying cows that couldn't be eaten. When the cows had all died out and people still hadn't noticed a difference in their beef, they decided to keep on with it.

"Who knew people would be so picky about which dead animal they're eating," groaned Tesco farmer Ronan MacCauley, "Oh well."
Several farmers also admitted to feeding their horses leftover growth hormones from the cows, which 'beefs up' the horse meat, although in reality it caused several weird defects and several more morbidly obese horses.

An anonymous source implied to us that a select few farmers are keeping homeless people in their barns and 'beefing them up', just in case the horses all die too. "Everyone wins," they said, "the homeless want food, and so do the rest of us."

It was actually mass suicide

Horoscopes for the week of Monday, March 11

Horoscopes for the week of Monday, March 11

Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 19)- When you go on that date next week, don’t try the calimari. Trust me

Taurus (Apr 20 - May 20) - Your hot TA is a Capricorn, and you’re totally compatible! Go for it, don’t get caught, and stop worrying about your grade in that class. 

Gemini (May 21 - June 21) - Feeling the need for a change? Dying to escape the rut you’re in? Shave your head!

Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Your karmic energy is flowing, but the cash is not. It might be time to reconsider your snobbery and say hello to the world of Western Family brand  

Leo (July 23 - Aug 22) - Good news! A passing asteroid will block your karmic space-energy flow, and you will hit rock bottom on Wednesday, things can only get better!

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22) -  The blonde is not working for you, dye it back. 

Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 23)- Time to quit the whole “I’m a starving student, woe is me!” routine, your roommates all know you can afford more than ramen, you’re just lazy as fuck.

Scorpio (Oct 24 - Nov 21) - You will get an unexpected compliment from a mysterious stranger today, you won’t know whether to be pleased or creeped out.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21) - Life will be dull until you find a stash of bacon that you forgot in the back of the freezer.

Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19) - Your roommates will hold a ‘roommate meeting’ this week, don’t go; they’ve organized an intervention because they found out you’ve been spitting in the ice trays.

Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18) -  The weather’s warming up! You’re thinking about whipping out the tank tops aren’t you...don’t. Even when you do lose the weight, they’ll still look stupid.

Pisces (Feb 19 - Mar 20) - Single life getting you down? yep, join the club.

Wednesday, 6 March 2013

UVU Elections: What Students Are Saying

"I've definitely ruled out #avenue, because hashtags are tacky and stupid"
- Hannah A, sophomore

"Ignite's posters are really intense, which I like, and the guy in the middle looks like a young George Clooney"
- Andrea K, junior

Not really.
But good free stock photos are really hard to come by.
"Empower gave me free pizza... but Ignite gave me a Jamba Juice coupon, so I'm pretty conflicted over who to vote for right now"
- Timothy S, junior

"Yeah, I voted for Empower, I appreciate that they've been the least 'in-your-face' about campaigning"
- James E, freshman

"I've definitely decided who to vote for, but I think I need a few more people to come and tell me how to click the 'vote' button"
- Georgia P, senior 

Friday, 1 March 2013

Students Make It Through Clubs Bazaar and Housing Fair With Minimal Casualties

"Umm, what just happened?"puzzled a dazed Clarissa Ellis as she finished her walk across UVU campus. "All I did was pass through that crowd of people, now look at me." Ellis had inexplicably gained a stack of pamphlets, a hat, a t-shirt, various armbands, candy and some sponsored lip balm.

UVU club ambassadors set up camp in the Hall of Flags on Wednesday and Thursday this week to lie in wait for any student foolish enough to make eye contact with them. Students who did so would then be bombarded with flyers, coaxed with cotton candy, and enticed to "spin the wheel.. you'll win a prize, I swear, just come closer, that's it."

Further down the hall, in the PE/LA vicinity was garrisoned with off-campus housing representatives, all trying to convince you that their apartments are not shitholes. However, the lack of candy and enticing prizes to lure in gullible students led to a less successful attack for the housing fair.

Students who made it through spent the rest of the day proudly wearing their battle scars in the form of colorful UVU hats and wristbands. However, some unfortunate pushovers were forced to actually join a club as a survival measure during the assault.

Salt Lake Woman Swears She Saw That Mummy's Hand Move

SALT LAKE CITY- While visiting the "Mummies of the World" exhibit at the Leonardo in Salt Lake, Alyssa McCorbett startled the fuck out of a room full of people as she leaped, screaming into her husband's arms claiming that a mummy's hand had just 'twitched'.

"It's alive! It's alive!" she shrieked, according to husband, Jordan McCorbett. "Everyone kind of stared at us after that, so I pretended not to know her," he said.

Mrs. McCorbett was apparently too shaken up to be interviewed, but swore to us that she is not insane and has no history of hallucination or paranoia. She did, according to her husband, have a "The Walking Dead" marathon the previous day, which may have been a factor in her experience.

When asked about the frequency of similar events at the exhibit, the exhibit director said "It's actually happened more often I or anyone else expected...kind of unnerving really..."

UPDATE: A custodial worker who wishes to remain anonymous sent the following message to us via e-mail: "Yeah, I put a tiny motor under that mummy's hand and turn it on when I feel like screwing with people. LOL"

Monday, 18 February 2013

Celebrate Valentine's Day In The Style Of Various Well-Known Couples

Let's get it onnnnn.

Yes, this is several days late, sue me. No one's reading anyway.

Are you and your girlfriend/boyfriend/hand struggling to spice up the romantic experience? Why not get some inspiration from famous couples present and past ? 

Bonnie and Clyde: Get each other some vintage guns and go rob the local Chevron. When you are arrested and placed in jail, break out together and enjoy a romantic life as outlaws. 
If your love for each other has not yet advanced this far, try getting some Nerf guns and shooting at each other, or at random passersby, until you get tired or removed from the premises. Then drive around aimlessly for a while avoiding police cars.

John and Yoko: Let your girlfriend come with you to poker night with the guys, convince her that your bros would just love to receive advice from her on their gameplay. Once your friends all get sick of her and leave, play poker alone together, naked.

Pierre and Marie Curie: Buy each other some shiny new Geiger counters and go to town with them. Whoever can create/discover the most radioactive material gets to choose where you go to dinner, and whoever doesn't get cancer wins.

...OR the Ronald and Nancy approach.
He gets stuck working while she remodels
his house.
David and Bathsheba: Start your night out in a hot tub (preferably on a roof) to turn up the heat. Then go back to your palace for a night of steamy, sinful lovemaking. Pray that you do not conceive, and that her boyfriend in the Army never comes back to find out. 

 Heidi and Spencer Pratt: This year, give the gift of beauty with some quality plastic surgery. Go get a couple’s package from the local Hollywood surgeon, and then parade your matching facelifts in front of reporters from various tabloids of your choice. Finish the night off by arranging an expensive, romantic dinner and having a fight in front of the whole restaurant.